“That’s ok. Jesus is my spiritual husband.”
This sister’s comments stopped the Bishop dead in his tracks. He had just finished teaching a series on marriage and I guess the single woman was feeling left out, so she made a statement that so many of us in the church have been taught through the years.
However, the Bishop turned around and went back to the pulpit and said, “I just heard a single sister say that Jesus is her spiritual husband. Jesus is NOT your man. He is your savior. He’s married to the church, not to you!”
I was surprised and happy to hear a church leader correcting this teaching because I’d spent most of my 20’s hearing teaching like:
“Take God on a date.”
“You don’t NEED a man. Be happy with Jesus alone.”
“Don’t idolize marriage. You can do more for Christ when you’re single anyway!”
“Hide yourself so deeply in Jesus that a man has to go through Him to find you.”
“Go somewhere and sit down! You’re acting too desperate!”
“Don’t date someone outside the church. Don’t miss Bible study because you’re going out on a date. Don’t use online dating, it’s a sin! Don’t, Don’t, Don’t!”
I understand that we’re trying to help singles come to terms with their singleness. But by promoting the “Jesus-is-your-man” theology, we have created many myths that have become roadblocks for singles who want to be married. In other words, we’re telling sisters they don’t get to be loved. And that’s not ok with me.
So let’s see how the top 3 myths have been making Christian dating complicated:
Myth #1: Your desires are sinful
Many of the Christian singles I meet are struggling with extreme loneliness and depression but they won’t admit it because they’ve been told they don’t need a man. They feel guilty just thinking about a relationship and their doubts about their worthiness for love cause them to create relationship failures!
Maybe we’ve come to believe the inaccurate stats on Black women and marriage and feel like there aren’t enough men to go around so we want to prepare women for a life of singleness.
The problem is Black women were born to be loved, just like everyone else.
We need tenderness, affection, healthy sexual lives, support, attention and more. These desires are NOT sinful. They are natural.
As Reverend Marcia Dyson said, “The Bible teaches that we are designed to be a “complement, helpmate and supplement’ to a man [Genes 2:18]. And yet now we are telling black women to live without a man. This doesn’t work on a number of levels.”
Myth #2: God is withholding your mate because you’re not ready
Readiness is important and you need to prepare for marriage. But I’ve had women tell me they’re NOT dating because they’re preparing. They’re reading their bibles, attending church, and volunteering all their time serving in the church.
Then they wonder why they don’t meet anyone! The logical conclusion they come to is “I guess God doesn’t think I’m ready enough.”
In other words, we’ve been teaching singles that they have to be “good enough” for God to bless them with a mate. There’s a big problem here.
Let the church say Amen!!!! To answer your question, no. It does not make a woman look desperate. The woman I just honest with her feelings. I am about to email this out to some of my girls who are still stuck in the “Jesus is my man mindset”. Thank you for this wonderful information.
Thank you, Brit, for reading! I hope this helps your friends 🙂
This article is so true on so many levels. Thank you so much for writing this article
Great Great Article! I loved it. I heard so much off balance preaching: “Stay in church, go to all the services, and your husband will find you there”.. and that “The singles are supposed to run the church.” Instead of letting the Lord expand your territory and ENJOY your season–travel, play golf, etc. God wants us to reach people everywhere not just in church. I’d like to see more ministries teach what you spoke about in this article, including HOW TO set healthy boundaries and mindful expectations, and dating with integrity. When sex stops being such a taboo subject, we can probably be more effective in teaching singles how to manage those natural feelings before marriage. I believe God has a mate for whoever is believing him for a spouse and He will deal with each of us individually and also uniquely. God is faithful.
So true ….God is faithful and He knows what we need before we call on Him.
This article is a breath of fresh air!! Loved every word! I had a pastor who preached just about every point stated in this article and later found out after leaving that church that he had several marital problems. He left all of his single congregants feeling like we were never going to be ready.
I’ve listened to so many married people speak against marriage and give all the wonderful reasons to stay single to the point that I don’t really desire marriage any longer. The best one is “You can do more for God as a single person.” Any Christian would want to please God so when a single person hears this we bury ourselves in a bunch of dead works thinking that being busy for God will produce a spouse. Ecclesiastes 4:9 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good [more satisfying] reward for their labor…” So how can we do more for God as a single person when scripture says that two is better than one?
Thank you for writing this very powerful article!
Thanks for writing this article because I can relate to all 3 myths. I am a single parent with an 11 yr old son. When his father and I divorced nearly 10 yrs ago, dating has been downhill for me. Yet, Im single and my primary focus is to grow even stronger in my relationship with God, not in a man. Next, Im trying to raise my son(with God’s help)as best as I know how. Last but not least, Im trying to focus on my career to the best of my ability. I do desire to remarry, but only if Im permitted to and Im happy to admit that Im also a celibate woman who seems to make demons flee when it comes to dating. For some reason, I don’t reach the 6 months mark with any man, oh well!!!
As per one of the quotes in the introductory portion of this article, it appears that it’s fine to date someone who is outside the church. In other words, being unequally yoked should be acceptable. Okay.
In Genesis we are told that it’s not good to be alone, so God did indeed create a helpmate who was suitable for him, Eve. God knew the right time to create Eve – when Adam was asleep; and when to present her – when he woke up. If I believe in creation, and God’s perfect timing, then I need to place my faith that as I go about His business, that He equipped me to do, then in His timing, I will meet my mate. He dictates my pace, not society. I have free will, yes, but I surrender that to Him. I honestly can not support circumventing God’s laws to satisfy my needs when I know better. If I were out in the world, fine, that’s one standard. However, I know better than to date someone who does not share my beliefs. I just can’t compromise on that mandate.
I didn’t get from her article that you should date someone who isn’t a Christian. What I got from it is you may not meet your spouse in the church. Staying in church all the time won’t guarantee that you will meet a godly spouse there. For example, I was born & raised in church & served in church my entire life. I met my ex in church. We were both busy in church, but his level of commitment to God wasn’t what I thought it was & it brought a lot of heartache into our marriage. You are more likely to meet your spouse when you get out & enjoy life. Travel, participate in hobbies, attend social events, etc. You can meet Christians in other places too besides church. Plus, you will want someone who is balanced & not just in church all the time.
My understanding of church is the body of Christ, and not the actual structure. Consequently, when I hear / read the phrase “don’t date outside of the church”, I don’t limit it to not dating someone who is not in my actual church building, I interpret that as not dating a non-Christian. Certainly Christians should be well-rounded and involved in activities outside of the church – I certainly am. However, I believe that Christ is the foundation on which we should build / balance our lives and very existence.
Well….I can remember an incident where I met a young lady that made a claim..she didn’t need a man because God hasn’t sent her one…So one day…she was showing me around her place…she showed me her big..walk in closet…and accidentally tipped over a paper bag….Guess what was in it….batteries and sex toys…I said…now I know the real reason you don’t need a man….and God has nothing to do with it…You may wanna’ check your answers to the question…”Why don’t you need a man?”….PEACE!!!!