By Franchesca Lane-Warren
As we go into the New Year many women around the nation are contemplating strategies to make their marriages and families better. Some of us have resolved to cook more, while others vow to get rid of the “mommy look” and polish up their personal styles. However before we consume our time looking to better ourselves on the outside let’s first resolve to do one important thing. Ladies, let 2012 be the year that you “find your own identity” that many times we lose when we become a wife and mother.
How many times have you seen that mother (or wife) who always looks frazzled? She is usually in a jogging suit, hair unkept and usually is wrangling a million other things. As a newly married woman I thought that could never be me. As I dove into the marriage, the kids, work, etc I quickly began to lose my edge. Gradually I began to stop going out with my friends, I seemed to get my hair done less often and dressing sexy almost ceased to exist. I had become comfortable in my jogging pants with my hair pulled back into a pony tail. Whenever a friend called to hang out, I would make excuses such as, “Oh I can’t go out the kids (or husband) need me to do (insert random activity).” Or I would reason that I could not go out because I had nothing to wear that fit me so I would just remain at home being a “good” mom and wife and I was content””or so I thought.
Fast forward to two years down the road, I happened to walk past a mirror and a scary thing happened. I caught a glimpse of myself””and I did not like what I saw. I looked tired, I had on some sweatpants (still my outfit of choice), my hair was undone””I looked a mess. On top of that, I no longer had a social life (except for dates with my husband) and my life revolved around what my family liked. I no longer felt like a young, hip mother and wife who was “hip” to all the new fads and styles and loved to be out socially but instead I had become a hermit trapped by what I thought a good wife and parent was.
I had committed the unspoken sin of married life. I had forsaken my own identity for my marriage and my family. Even thought I realized what had happened to me I still had no idea how to regain my identity. Would I get it back if I went out to a local boutique and bought a ton of cute clothes? Would I get it back if I went out multiple weekends with girlfriends? Would I get it back if I decided to change my outward appearance? No, in order to get mt identity back I had to change my way of thinking””ASAP.
Hence I went through an intensive 4 step process of getting back to me.
I had to:
1. Identify that I had a problem. For months I inherently knew that I had lost my mojo but I was in denial. I was increasingly gaining weight and just in a “blah” mood but until I caught that glimpse of myself in the mirror, I did not really know. Once I discovered the problem I knew I had to change.
2. Let my family know that there were going to be some changes within myself and for the family. After I made the realization I knew I had to change so I sat my family down and let them know that there were going to be some changes. I would be taking time for myself and I needed them to help around the house so that I could have that time–uninterrupted.
3. I set aside time that was just for me to work on myself. Being able to have time just for me was crucial in me getting back to me. It gave me time to breathe and reflect and just figure out what I liked. Sometimes I sat and watched a television show (in peace and quiet) while other times I went out and exercised or went to the mall. It did not matter what I did…as long as I did it by myself. I also took time to reflect on personal goals for myself and how I could accomplish them. After a while I began to reconnect with what made me happy and thus made my entire family happier.
4. I organized to go out with the girls at least once a month so that I could nurture those friendships I had neglected. I had a lot of single and married friends but many of them had managed to keep their social life alive. I began to reconnect and gradually we were enjoying a Girls Night Out at least once a month. I value this time because it allows me to have conversations with women who have known me a long time and always give me good advice about any and everything.
As I look back at what I did to get my get myself back together I can’t help but think about the women who are reading this going through the same thing. It can be scary to look in the mirror and barely recognize who you’ve become. Use this article as the “spark” that lights your fire into change! Do what you know you need to do and reclaim your life! So let me know what do you need to change to reclaim yourself!
Fran is a writer, blogger, mother, entrepreneur who spends her time wrangling three kids and husband all while running her business, The Editing Nerd, and her lifestyle blog, Bossygirl1980.com. Find her on Twitter reliving the good, bad and strange world of parenting.
Wow!!!! Looks like you & I are on the same page cause this is “ME”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wondering what my husband is feeling inside & dying to say to me. REALITY CHECK!
This article is right on the money. There was a time when I was stuck in the “selfless mommy/wife rut”. Last year I started doing more for myself like consistently working out, going to Starbucks for some “me” time, walking the mall, etc. Now I feel much better about myself and am happier. Also, giving myself time allows me to better manage the stress of being a working wife and mom.
WOW, love this article. It’s great to see someone else opinion that it’s OK to do things for yourself sometimes and it not all be about the husband and kids. If you don’t take care of yourself(time for yourself to re-group), you can’t be good to anyone else. Just wish my husband would understand this. He seems to think if I want “me” time, I’m thinking only of myself “I” and not a ”
WE”. Can a sister exhale for a minute.
I feel the same way.
Love this article! It’s like you spoke exactly how I have been feeling lately! It is truly time to make a change and this is my year to do so!
Man…I have recently gotten to this point and the interesting thing about it is that I am (and always have been) an older woman trapped in the body of a 24 year old. I have always (bless God) had wisdom beyond my years so to me setteling down and getting married was the natural progression of my life. But now, its like I am waking up all of a sudden and realizing that yes, I am 24 not 42. No I don’t want to be an immature young woman who makes foolish decisions but I do want to be a young woman who still enjoys going to the mall and shopping! After taking a good look at myself and my life, I have decided that I will not let my passions and enthusiasm for life, love and shoes die!!
#backtothebasics
I am all over this!!! So GLAD that this article was published. Sometimes things happen for a reason at specific times. I have only been married since 2008 and I don’t go out with friends or EVER have any alone time without my children or husband. I have been so out of sorts and couldn’t place my finger on what was bothering or what was going on. Thank you for giving me a voice. This is really a large part of my issue, it was like reading about myself or my life.
I feel like I’m way too young to be feeling like this and it’s true! It’s time for some me time. Time to become who I was before I was a “wife”. Let this be the year of becoming an individual again.
Wow!! Thanks for this article. I cried from start to end because you described me to a T! I hope I can regain myself soon……..
This is just confirmation for me….I enjoyed this article very much. I am single and life and family and other things can still make you lose focus on yourself. The Lord has been showing me the same thing. Maybe yours is to reclaim yourself in your marriage where mine is preparation for the one the Lord will bless me with later. Either way thanks for the realiztion that I am not the only person out here feeling the same way.
How did you get into my brain?! I just explained this to my husband and have vowed to myself to get my mojo back. I love my family and how they depend so much on me but I need to but myself on my own to-do list. Thanks for today’s spark.
This is ME, never have time to myself and if I do, it is for a short while. I’ve got to stop this. This article is so ME.
Could not help but smile while reading this. This is so on point! Thanks!
omg! this is me!!!! i have never been able to term what i am but this hit the nail in the coffin!
Hit the nail on the head with this article. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Just what I’ve been feeling and I must admit it’s kind of comforting to see how many of us are going through these same kinds of feelings! But I am determined to figure this out and make some changes. It will be a better 2012 for me!
You may not read this considering the article was written a couple of weeks ago. But I do want to Thank you. Prior to reading this, and I mean like 10 minutes before, I was in tears about my marriage, being unemployed, being fat, just about my life period and how I’ve let myself go and how I don’t know “me” anymore. As I reading this article, I was thinking “wow, this is me” the only thing I could not relate to was “going on dates with hubby” I don’t even have that. I’m so lost and just disgusted with myself. I will.try the things you suggested, even through I’m thinking “been there, done that” hopefully 2012 is the year that things turn around.