I am always hopeful when a couple contacts me with the expectation of improving or saving their relationship. In that moment, neither of them are able to feel or sense the optimism that I see because they are right in the middle of the storm. Contacting a relationship professional is no easy task for a couple. It requires courage. Knowing that they will have to be completely honest, share things that are uncomfortable, be vulnerable and be called out on their mess is quite scary. So when those couples are able to walk into my office in spite of all that, I am hopeful. It shows commitment to the union and more importantly a willingness to make things better. That willingness is always the very first step. At the time a couple schedules an appointment with me, I am confident that both partners are interested in a solution to their struggle. My hopefulness comes from the fact they made the call to me instead of a lawyer.
Living with, loving and sharing a life with another person can be completely insane at times. Patience grows thin, frustration sets in, disagreements happen, in some instances a little more frequently than we would prefer. And, it all comes with the territory. Couples must not be blindsided when challenges arise in their marriage. The battles themselves aren’t as important as how they handle and overcome those struggles.
With each challenge we face in our unions there ought to be a lesson learned, some sort of growth and the partnership should somehow be made stronger as a result. There is a silver lining in most of the difficulties that life and love throws our way.
If you are having trouble seeing the positive in your relationship challenges, below are a few new ways to look at some common situations:
Dealing with disagreements: Couples should learn something new about their spouse and apply it to how they treat him/her moving forward. If in the disagreement, your partner shared how certain actions made them feel, that new information should be taken into consideration and the particular action would be monitored and ultimately eliminated. An opportunity to develop and improve are always a win win.
Handling communication challenges: There are so many creative tools to aid couples in perfecting their communication. From practicing the various levels of listening to attending communication-focused workshops, resources are always at your fingertips. One partner may have to take the lead by being the effective communicator until the other catches on and follows suit. The silver lining is this can be corrected with effort from both partners. Also, keep in mind this isn’t the worst thing a couple can experience. If this is your greatest challenge, your marriage isn’t in as bad a shape as you might think.
Experiencing marriage’s rough patches: Many marriages go through periods of constant bickering, boredom and inactivity. This, however, is a revelation that the relationship needs work and the foundation has become a little weak. Couples are provided with an opportunity to take immediate action. Whenever a marriage finds itself in this cycle, it is time to go back to the beginning in order to rebuild that foundation. Remembering what drew you together, and recreating some of those magic love moments that occurred early in the relationship is a must. Couples must take time to get reacquainted, refresh and renew and be willing to sacrifice and shed those bad behaviors that are wreaking havoc on the marriage. A chance to start over is a definite plus.
When things are at their worst, but you both find yourself still there and fighting for your marriage, that is the silver lining. And although it doesn’t feel like it at the moment, there is hope. It is up to both partners to find it and use it. I challenge every couple going through a situation right now to look for their own silver lining and use it to turn things around.
BMWK, what is the silver lining in your current relationship struggle?
Lashelle Scott says
Im not married but going through this in my relationship. We haven’t been together long but Im hoping we can work things out. Based upon a statement he made this morning i knew their was some serious miscommunication going on.
Tiya says
Thanks for your comment and the honesty. The first part is usually being able to acknowledge what the problems are. Now it’s time to create an action plan on how to correct the miscommunication.
Jaz says
This is a great article as it applies to what many couples are going through. It so many resources out there and it should be hard to fail. Whats unfortunate is that most don’t want to use those resources. Most men don’t want to. This is part why I’m giving up on a 15 year relationship / 8 year marriage. I don’t really want to and I read all the books and I’ve applied them. It hasn’t worked for me well. So if he decides he really wants me in his life I’m open but I’m no longer going after helping us. We are about to separate. I took it to God and he can handle it. We might need time a aprt for growth. I will still keep up with these articles and blogs. They are a great help. I wish I could come up with a corrective action to resolve this. Communication and listening is one of our biggest failures. Thanks for the article.
Tiya says
Jaz, I’m saddened to hear if your giving up. You are absolutely correct. Have you and your husband sought therapy or couple’s coaching?
Tiya says
Meant to add you are absolutely correct, God will handle it and it will still require work from both of you.
CT says
I wish I lived in your city. Any suggestions on finding a good counselor? We tried it last year but he didn’t do anything you described above. He was an intravert and definitely didn’t call us out on any issues. We just went there and argued and he just watched. Not a good experience. I really want help for us. Two good people trying to make it work.
Tiya says
I somehow missed your response. My apologies. Please let me know what city you are in and I will try to get you connected with someone.
Micheal says
Great article! I have a question, what if you find yourself in the proverbial “Rough Patch” very early on in the marriage. Say at the very beginning within the first few months of marriage?
Tiya says
Micheal, the beginning, in my opinion, is actually the best time to have a rough patch. The beginning is where you’re still getting to know one another, I mean really get to know each other. It’s also the best time to start sharing some of those likes, dislikes, wants and needs. We have to be honest with our spouses about the turn offs and turn ons and give them the opportunity to share the same. There is hope, be honest with what you’ll be needing from your spouse and be open and willing to providing what your spouse needs. It’s time to have some real grown up conversations.