How do you know if the people in your life are happily married? Truthfully, you don’t. Anyone can put on a front like his or her marriage is perfect, when it’s actually in turmoil. Conversely, you can find yourself worried about a couple because maybe your friend confided in you months ago that they were having problems, and that couple can turn out to be in a great place because they worked through the rough patch. Indeed, identifying happy marriages is not easy—not even for the people in them.
Expectations
When we get married we are full of expectations. We have thoughts about what we expect from our spouse, our marriages, and ourselves. We have expectations about how to run our home, how to raise children, and the vision for our family. But even with all of these expectations, many of us have not taken the time to truly identify what our definition of a happy marriage is.
We think we know what a happy marriage is because we go along with what the outside world defines as happy. We imagine the perfect home and romantic dates with our spouse. We think of passion that never fades and problems so minuscule that even children could work them out without intervention. We think about traveling the world together, putting our children in private schools, and becoming entrepreneurs who run an empire together.
Now is there anything wrong with some of the aforementioned desires for a marriage? Certainly not. The problem, however, arises when these things become desires that are not truly yours. Have you taken the time to think about what would make you feel like you are in a happy marriage? Do you know yourself well enough to identify what will make you feel like you entered a union with the person who is best suited for who you are and what you want out of life?
Let me share an example. Let’s say you love to travel—so much so that you dream about new places to visit daily. Would you consider your marriage a happy one if you married someone who hates traveling and thinks it’s a waste of money? Are you willing to travel without them all the time? Will doing so put a strain on your marriage? Are you willing to compromise your love for travel in the name of your love for your spouse?
Or what if you’ve always wanted to live in a small, quaint home in the suburbs, but your spouse is all about having a huge home or a fancy condo in the inner city. Will you be okay with that? Does city life make you unhappy? Is the idea of a huge home overwhelming for multiple reasons?
Compromise
Do you see where I am going with this? I am not suggesting that you have to marry someone who shares all of your views about everything. That person probably doesn’t exist. However, I am suggesting that you try to become crystal clear on who you are and what makes you happy in life before you decide to marry someone. Think about what you are willing to compromise on and what is not negotiable when it comes to your joy. Also, give some serious thought to what a partnership means for you, and what being happy with another person might look like.
Your opinion should always be the first opinion that matters.
Even if you love someone with every fiber of your being, you will find that things can get pretty dicey if the person you love shares a very different view about how a happy marriage should look. Of course there may be some differences, and that is expected, but those differences should be manageable. They should be differences in opinion that leave you feeling like you can both still be very happy together.
Your opinion should always be the first opinion that matters. It should be the opinion that helps you determine how you should live your life. Once you let the noise of the world in, and start making decision based on what everyone else thinks, you can find yourself lost, frustrated, and confused. At the end of the day, that definitely won’t lead to happiness. Only clarity about what being in a happy situation means can lead to that.
BMWK family, how do you define a happy marriage?
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