Every married man must know how to “leave and cleave”– leave your parents and cleave to your wife. It isn’t that a man should start neglecting his mother, but he also should not allow her to have a negative impact on his marriage. It is one thing to occasionally run to your mother’s side, but to consistently do it at the expense of your wife can be disastrous. Some would wholeheartedly disagree and say mothers should always be first.
In This Article:
- A Man’s Mother
- Nobody Likes to Be Second
- Your Mother Should Respect Your Wife’s Position
- It Throws the Whole Order of Things Off
Leave and Cleave | Here’s Why You Need to Put Your Wife First
A Man’s Mother
Many of us love our mothers dearly. She has always been there for us and we know she always will. We owe her so much, and she deserves every bit of it. When she needs us, we will try to do what we can to accommodate her. Yet, when we finally determine we are ready to make a woman our wife, things need to change. Now, the man needs to learn how to “leave and cleave”– leave his mother and cleave to his wife.
1. Nobody Likes to Be Second
Most women who get married are not just interested in being the number one lover in a man’s life. They expect to be the number one woman overall. Some may not take any issue with this, and in those cases, those individuals should do what is best for them.
Regardless of a bible verse about a man treating his wife or learning what does the bible say about mothers and sons, he should be mindful of the negative impact that can be brought upon his marriage by constantly placing his wife second to any woman including his mother.
I have seen cases where at first, the wife viewed this behavior as okay. Eventually, it started to wear her down and it left her feeling undervalued, frustrated, and disrespected. A man’s wife is his life partner (focus on the word partner) and she should be treated as such.
Letting another woman come and run her house unless this is mutually agreed upon, can create a huge issue that can potentially bring that marriage to its knees.
2. Your Mother Should Respect Your Wife’s Position
When a man takes his vows, he isn’t asked “Will you have this woman as your lawful wedded partner to live together in matrimony? Will you love her, honor her, comfort her, and keep her in sickness and in health; forsaking all others unless your mother calls you and wants you to do something different?”
A mother knows this, and she should respect that her son is now married and he needs to learn how to leave and cleave. Not to mention that if she was in the wife’s shoes, she wouldn’t want her mother-in-law trying to run things or undermining her either.
When your mother doesn’t embrace the role of your wife, chances are, there are deeper issues at play. She may not like who you’ve married or in some cases, a mother’s son is essentially her “man” (even for some who are still married). So she has a problem with any woman that takes her “man” away and this issue needs to be addressed.
3. It Throws the Whole Order of Things Off
From a biblical standpoint, many will say that the order is clear; God, spouse, kids, and so on. No, to be honest, there is no scripture that specifically states this order, but one can easily come to this conclusion when examining various texts in the Bible.
Either way, even if we didn’t take a biblical approach, it still makes a lot of sense. If a man constantly places his mother over his wife, it can create a lot of negativity in their relationship. This can trickle down to the kids and obviously affect the ability for the husband and wife to interact in a positive and loving manner.
I am one who believes that a happy woman = a happy man = a happy household. When she is receiving the love and respect she needs, her innate ability to nurture and pour into her family becomes a lot easier. Of course, some men will say they do plenty for their wives and their house is still miserable. Chances are, there is a deeper unaddressed issue and the man is certainly not dealing with a happy woman.
Also, I do acknowledge that, sometimes, it is the wife who is acting out and being unreasonable. This is a separate issue to discuss which is less about the principle of a wife being first and more about who a man chose to marry as well as the deeper issues that exist in that marriage.
Find out more about the importance of leaving and cleaving by watching this video from Kiaros Couples:
I think most of us realize there may be moments when a man tending to his mother is necessary. In a good relationship, most women will not take issue with this. The problem occurs when she feels it is getting out of hand. Communication, respect, and striking a good balance can truly help keep the situation of the “leave and cleave” from turning into something very ugly.
Do you agree with the concept of leave and cleave, BMWK? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section below and let’s have a mature discussion about the need for a wife to come before a man’s mother.
Up Next: 5 Things To Consider When He Lives With His Mother
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on October 9, 2013, and has been updated for quality and relevancy.
Wow good read! I admit I’ve been here but is not as bad as it used to be. His mother had to learn we were a family separate from hers, God had a different plan for us and since we had moved father away things have been better. Still, It bothers me very much that he tells her EVERYTHING!
Maybe I need to move away cause my mother in law is out of line and she won’t stay in her place she steals out my house begs for money abuses my child lies on me about me gives my husband other females number compare me to her calls I’m cause she is on her period she is out of line she is a ignorant immature petty incompetent individual she is 50 and acts 5 very disrespectful loud and ghetto I can’t take anymore
Maybe you need to look up narcissistic mothers it will help you understand what you are experiencing. It’s quite sad but be strong and be prayerful.
You got to bind the devil, let the lord take control
one of the reasons I am with my husband is that he said once his daughter graduated we would move halfway between families. The year she graduated he refinanced his home. I wish we could move further away
Thank you for this. I have been with my husband 17 years and i have always been second to the mother. The past two years have been the absolute worst. My birthdays are overlooked but let’s make sure mama has the best day possible. It is more hurtful than anything. I am trying to keep it together for our kids but it is getting harder and harder to do. Again thank you for this.
Hello. I just wanted to add some clarity regarding the statement “From a biblical standpoint many would say that the order is clear; God, Spouse, Kids, and so on. Now to be honest, there is no scripture that specifically states this order”. I disagree with this statement. God’s design for marriage and family does have a specific order and there is a scripture that states this specific order. Genesis 2:24 states, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” Then afterwards God told Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply. When the scripture is broken down, it is clear that the woman now becomes a priority in her husbands life and is first in the household because she is now his “wife”. Then the children come afterwards and are second in priority to the husband and wife.
Amen!
I totally agree with you 100%. He’s a married man now.
Amen. I was going to say the same. Scripture DOES define the natural order of things. 🙂
I understand what you’re saying Niambi, and maybe I wasn’t clear on the point I was making. The example you gave is not scripture specifically (that is the key word here) stating the priority order. As you mentioned “when scripture is broken down” we can come to the conclusion that God, Spouse, Kids is the order of priority.
It sounds like your looking for God to have said consecutively “And now the order for the household is as follows: Husband and Wife first, followed by their children as second). When you read the scripture 2:24 it does really clearly state the natural order of things, meaning the husband joins together with his wife and then the children come. Even though man today in this generation may have been “out of His divine order” by having children first before marriage, God’s design has always been marriage first also known as a “covenant” and then the family (children) were to follow. The scriptures says that husbands leave their mother and father and are to be joined to their wife (some biblical versions say to CLEAVE to your wife!). This means that the son’s mother is no longer a priority and that his wife is. I hope this helps!
Agree with the scripture from Genesis 2:24 that gives a clear or of family. Also, it is stated in Matthew 19:5 And Said,for this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh. Also in Ephesians 5:31, For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. Both of the scriptures are from the New Testament.
It isn’t that I am looking for God to have said that way, but I want to make sure I accurately present the information. When I started this article I was always under the impression that the order of priority was specifically stated in the bible (within one specific scripture). When I researched, that is when I found it that it is not, but moreso an understanding derived from a various scriptures. I believe in this order no matter how it is presented in the Bible, but to say that the bible specifically states this order can be argued. Leave and cleave shows clearly that the wife is priority, but that is not the same as outlining the priority order of God, Spouse, Kids, etc. I’m just being technical because I want to try to be as accurate as possible when writing an article.
Amen. I truly understand and hear you loud and clear.
U go!! Ur right Brother
I agree with the writer. I believe you misinterpreted the word “specific.”
Amen. And that is the exact order it should be. God must be first in everyone’s life.
God 1st Always
.
You took the words right out of my mouth. There is a specific order. That’s why its important for people to get an understanding of the Word of God. Peoples opinion is just that. When you can back it up with scripture, then you know it as truth. God is always head of anything. Then spouse according to the Bible. It is scripture. I can tell who really know scripture. This is why the divorce rate is so high now. People don’t know or understand order.
And then there is the scripture that ‘a man shall honor his father and mother’. This doesn’t mean he puts his wife second in any way whatsoever. People forget this quote. It simply means that you should still be respectful to your parents even after you’ve taken a wife. The respect must be mutual, not one-sided. Parents don’t HAVE to accept a bad choice of spouse, but they – especially the mother – should RESPECT your wife’s position by your side, if she is actually by your side.. The cleaving doesn’t give the wife the go ahead to demand you cut off any family from the new union just because she might only want her family around (because she’s more comfortable with them than the new mil/fam?). Give mil a chance to love you and get to know you, especially if she doesn’t interfere or offer unsolicited advice. Don’t use the coward’s way out. A good mil will not interfere or try to turn a son away from his spouse. He chose her, and dil loves him (hopefully). If dil doesn’t want to have a relationship with mil out of fear of the unknown or apathy, that’s just being cowardly, a bit immature, and cruel..You can still respect each other for the son’s sake. Mom can step back and wife can love her son. That’s all most of us want to see – our son, and maybe grands, being loved and cared for..
Thanks for an interesting article that gives great pause. One major contributor to this relationship dynamic (I think) is when there are multiple generations living in the same household. Then drawing boundaries becomes a sensitive issue, especially if offending one’s elders is at stake.
I am also aware of a family where the wife’s parents have stayed for extended periods at their house, while the husband’s parents have spent at most a night or two. The husband goes along with this (I’m assuming not to upset the wife), even though his parents gave him the down payment for the house as a wedding gift. Okay that was TMI, but there is definitely an imbalance in that scenario.
Wonderful and needed article. I won’t go any further other than to say THANK YOU for speaking on this issue. It is right on point.
Thank you : ) and yes the different generations under the same household can be a contributing factor to the issue. Ultimately there needs to be an open and honest conversation about things. The concern of offending th elder is understood, but bottling up any frustrations can pour out into other ways that can offend or create a negative environment in that household. As for the imbalance of the couples parents staying over. If it truly bothers the husband then he has to learn how to be honest. It isn’t what you say but how you say it.
Exactly ?
My “exactly?“ comment was for Renee. I didn’t mean to put a question mark after it, that was a typo , but I can’t edit it to take it off …
Don’t leave out the sister-in-laws – Sometimes the mother and the sister-in-laws need to be put in their place. I don’t have a relationship with either now because of them asking questions about my husbands finances, what kind of cars we were buying, how much we were paying for our house, etc….. I just came to the realization that they were both jealous of my husband and I and couldn’t stand the way we started our marriage out without children and did it the way God intended, while the both of them were baby mothers who had to beg their spouses to marry them after they were stupid enough to have children out of wedlock. LOL !!!!
That’s very judgmental and non-Christian to make that last remark (and calling them stupid!) They have no right to be in your business – ever, but you should show the tiniest bit of respect for them, however difficult that may be, by not badmouthing your husband’s family. Immaturity and snark is unattractive. Whether he agrees with you or not about his family, discuss it with him and make fun of them behind closed doors. The way things are going these days with worldwide outbreaks, stock market fluctuations, and more violence than we’ve ever been exposed to, you might be left with nothing some day too…lose it all and have no control over that Then God forbid someone talk about you like that too. Learn some humility and empathy and take pity on them (the way God intended) because they don’t know any better than to stay out of your business, but quit publicly bashing them. When is it acceptable to just make assumptions instead of having honest, TACTFUL, but awkward confrontations?. If they tell you you’re in their business, then tell them to stay out of yours also. Lines of communication will be open (or closed) and your boundaries drawn firmly.
Well I am cursed with the mother n law and stepkids that just don’t get it. Always got some nonsense going..Im so grateful that my husband loves and respects me and lets them do that drama.
My husband and I have been married nearly 15 years. I have been dealing with the issue of his mother nearly the whole time. She is not overbearing in my household, rather she is the opposite. She is very secretive and paranoid with everybody so she doesn’t get close to many people. But she uses my husband as her bff. She calls him night and day almost everyday to ask him or tell him whatever randomness is on her mind. She and I cannot seem to build any type of relationship and I am fed up with trying to get anywhere with her. Even when it comes
to our children she will call him if she wants to see them even though I’m the one who has to bring them. I told my husband I feel disrespected because it’s like she has exed me out o the picture and he lets her by continuing to allow her to call so much and monopolize so much of his time.
It may be very hard for some of the husbands to tell his family how it is. Poor communication skills and poor communication cannot get a genuine answer. These type of people are not able to state how they truly feel so how can you get someone that’s not brought up in that manner to come out and tell their parents how it actually is. Your relationship may be fine but the family relationship maybe something totally different. I feel as long as you and your spouse have an understanding to be a strong solid family you can not worry about the rest. my experience hear that my mother-in-law and sister-in-law both act a little shady to me but what can I do except be my husband’s wife. I’ve tried to communicate over the years and ask if I did something to offend them or upset them to come to clear the air but everybody says nothing is wrong but they always treat me like I dont matter. I just keep my focus on God and that helps me know my family is my husband and children.
My hubby n I have been married for 11years now. At first things were good between me n my mother in law and sisters in law. Until my husband started cheating on me and they suported his bahaviour, accepted his mistress at their home, until they even had extra-marital child together. He started to be very rude to me n our two kids. His family telling him that I’m bewitching him. They made sure that they cause trouble between us till we separated. Now we divorced and the mistress is fighting the same battle I did with my ex-in laws. Now my ex-hubby wants me n kids back, saying the mistress is nothing n can be send packing anytime if I say yes to him. He does not even say anything about his family helping to break his marriage. To him they did nothing wrong. His sister is the master manupulator, she gives her brothers girlfriends even though they married so they spend most of their times at her place. I am praying for the whole family now cos they need Jesus indeed. As for my marriage is gone n they’re happy n in control of everything in our house now.
My boyfriend of a year and 1/2 Calls his mother every night at the same time (mostly) around 8:30 pm. They have many times they can talk during the day but needs to “tuck her in” so to speak. I have asked he call her earlier so it doesn’t disrupt our evening, but he refuses. If it is getting to be that time and we are out, he gets all nervous sometimes angry that he can’t call her. If am starting to feel more and more angry and starting to dislike her…Although she has not done anything to me personally.. but she is taking my role and continues to be his best friend. I love him very much but am I in store for a rocky road?
If this issue isn’t properly addressed now, then yes you will be in for a rocky road as you continue to move forward. You two have to get on the same page, and you should consider having a heart to heart with his mother. Taking a very positive approach will help, but you definitely have to make sure you two don’t continue to butt heads about this. If you would like further assistance you can email me at [email protected]
Can’t deal with the mother anymore, I truly believe something Sexual is going on between them. They too close and he goes in the bathroom with her while she using it. She has no friends and she only
deals with married men. She competes with me for his time and attention. She wants him to buy a house with her and he going to do it. Smdh, He will be the main reason i won’t ever deal with a man who mother is still alive or living in the same state. I been stopped dating men with children, now i added the mothers to the!!! list
When the Bible says the man will have to “LEAVE”, I think the order is stated very clearly. The man leaves his mother to – the former order- to go to the new, current order, that’s his wife to whom he’s supposed to cleave to and become one with. I don’t think those men who cleave to their mothers actually prioritize their mothers over themselves so, why do it to the woman with whom u are supposed to be ONE? Selah! Its d part of d children that can now be argued as not being specific, but I would think it goes without saying, that God having given u d command to be fruitful, of course after marriage which licences u to begin wouldn’t expect u to leave out ur own seed. When d Bible said leave, it never nothing about ever returning. U actually leave to go make ur own home and family without any distractions or oppositions. If u ask me, that’s the whole reason for the leavingan going away from all interference to becoMe UR own man. Without mummy looking over ur neck and advicing and scolding all the way. For Christsakes, that’s what mothers do! How do u even know u know with someone standing over u and telling what and how to all the way, even in real life? I for one hate that with perfect hatred. Let me make my own mistakes and cultivate my own style and solutions. Variety is, after all, the spice of life. Where then is its place if there’s just one stereotyped mummy’s way of doing things? May God help our men to stop being boys and wake to the reality of manhood and its attendant responsibilities. Amen!
Well this is a new day and age and i had children out of wedlock and many are because u waited great i married the father of my children and i didnt have to beg him to be my husband i was with him longer than u probably was married and just because u married first doesnt make u a better person this is 2014 everybody doesn’t live by the bible and im pretty sure u had sex before being married which is also in the bible so dnt sit up here and judge anyone cause me i have six beautiful kids and a wonderful husband and where happy as ever been together 23 yrs and married 4 yrs i wasnt ready i was young but i decided it was time so where still happy
My issue is not with my Mom-in-Law but with my dear husband who made it his duty to tell me that his mother is his NUMBER ONE PRIORITY (So basically I shouldn’t expect anything from him)…& this was being married for less than a year…Never felt SO Hurt, Humiliated, Shattered (& worse)…Now, about a year after being told this, I still cannot get over it; it consumes me & I just feel that I need to get out of this marriage because there’s no going back from here…Just wish he told me this before we got married…Your parents will always be your parents & because I also have a very close relationship with my parents, I would never expect my husband to not be there for his mom if she needs him (especially since we lost his father not too long ago as well) But the fact of him, thinking nothing of it, to tell me plain & simply that his ‘His mom is his Number One Priority’; just laid it all out for me & I know where I will always stand with him & that just isn’t good enough…Men like this, just should Not get married because they have no idea the amount of Pain they could cause their wives 🙁
My Husband doesn’t eat, sleep , stops going to office wen my mother in law is I’ll. Shez I’ll since 20 years.
He stops talking to me. We have zero communication . he alwayz thinks his only priority in life is his mother nothing else. We are married since 3 years n stay with sister in law. Shwz equally dominating n interfering in our relationship. Whatever talks me n my husband had earlier, she knows everything. My husband doesn’t give 5 min in whole day. He never asks howz my life. He never goes out wid me . all dis bcoz he does not want to decieve his mother as she does not remain well. I stay alone almost every day. I am almost living a separate life. He does not have much money but still hez such spendthrift. Moreover he does not earn as he doesn’t go to office as his mother is I’ll. I m fed up now totally. I want to leave . plz help
I hope you left and filed a divorce.
Poppycock!!! You women tell your moms everything…and keep them ever so close. You will keep your sons exactly as your mother-in-law does. Mothering never stops…Wives and girlfriends come and go, but mothers never will. Tell me do you put your husbands before your father..if you even have one!
I agree thither is true what you said and we all are with our mother’s telling them everything and taking their advice but if a mother’s son does it .that’s just wrong .all it is double standards. And for a daughter in law to usi the kid’s against the mother of her husband is right out low. Grow up .Stop being jealous and realize you have a second mother. And learn from it. You
Shut the fuck up I am sick of the ignorant people like you who screw up the system entirely and birth boys who never grow up
“Wives and girlfriends come and go but mothers never will.”
What an idiotic statement. Wives should not “come and go” if you’re doing it right. Mothers DO “go”… they die. A wife is who one grows old with…. even if a wife dies and a man remarries, he’s still growing old with his wife, not his mother. Your attitude is disgusting and puts people in a wrong mindset, sending them down the wrong road.
The wife will come before the mother. If any man is putting his mother before his wife, he is not leading his household like the bible says. The bible does state an order and whomever doesn’t believe this don’t know the bible. Ephesians 5:22-33 clearly states the man is the head of his wife and his wife is of his own body. Genesis 2:24 states that a man shall leave his farther and mother but cleave with his wife. God’s order never changes but man continues to try and change it which is why things are worst off now than following God’s order.
1 Corinthians 11: 3 says the exact order verbatim.
Is this the woman who works at kohls
My situation has to do with the mother but it is the son who is always putting her first and listening to her advice over mine. He is the one causing the problem. His mother has agreed with me and told him no woman wants to come second. This is the only thing we really argue about and the arguments turn out to be HUGE in which he always gets in his car and goes to his mother’s house. When I told him that it was not biblical that he put his mother first he told me the bible was a book written by men and not all of it is true. I am very close with his mother and we get along great. Children are involved so it is difficult for me to let the relationship go but I can not stand it any longer. It does not happen often that me and his mom have a different view but when it does, he sides with her. I just can’t imagine spending the rest of my life in a relationship in which my man is more emotionally connected to his mom.
i agree with everything up here except for oweing our mothers? i am not really sure i agree with that one. I never really agreed with that but to eaches own. I dont think kids owe parents anything, as they never asked to be here any way in the first place and part of parenting is making sacifices for the kids. Just my opinion. Great article
I am going through something similar with my husband and the worst part is he is not seeing it one bit. We fight almost every week! His mum stays with us, granted she helped around the house but I never asked for all of this. What was supposed to be a favor for three months turned into 2 years and counting. She is supposed to be jointing her husband in their home country but he hasn’t completed his ‘business deal’ and hence we are stuck with her,her teenage son and a 7yr old grand daughter. We pay for rent,water n lights and buy groceries every month! We have a 3yr old son and are expecting another…MIL still won’t leave! She co,es up with excuses and my husband supports her although we battling with bills and so forth he is still by her side. I feel used and abused to be quite honest. Once it got so ugly he became physical with me, and dragged me in the floor telling me to get out…I resisted and said am not going anywhere without my son! Anyway story cut short we end up in a counseling session and the pastor asks him ‘hw long will u take this for (keeping his mum with us)r’ and he says ‘as long as it takes’…..he doesn’t care hw I feel or how this affects me.I am so tired! I never pictured a one parent home for my kids but am feeling like that’s where we are going to end up.
I’m going through this too, my MIL is so used to getting what she wants or stamping her feet. She is so entitled especially when my baby is involved. I think she is annoyed she doesn’t ‘get her’ whenever she pleases although if were not busy we have never refused her to visit. She gets mardy if we don’t want to go along with all her plans and if I have a problem with it then my husband blames me for ‘making everything to do with how I don’t like his mother’. Husbands need to realise that the way to a happy life is to show their wife some respect. MIL will never love their sons wife I don’t think as they don’t see them as a part of their family.
I wish my husband understood this. We have been married for 12 years. When I was pregnant with my son, his mom was visiting and she cussed me out because of her own issues. He never stepped in. Just let her curse me out and didn’t say a word. This was years ago. I have never disrespected that woman. He always find a way to blame me for the mean stuff she has done. He think she can do no harm. She still keeps up mess in our marriage. He is always asking why I don’t acknowledge his mom, why should I when she doesn’t like me? He is always saying his mom loves me. Yeah right! She proved that by up drama in our marriage. She set the tone of our relationship 10 years ago. I don’t deal with her. I won’t disrespect her but I keep my distance.
I am having the very same problem. This article was very good. I have not been married long; but I talked to him prior to marriage about “divine” order. Now everytime I bring it up, he says that I do not like his mom. Smdh. My marriage is about to end over this and he is so unaware.
Just had this convo with my boyfriend and he says he mama, who gets jealous like she’s his woman, will always come first. Told him you will be a lonely man because ain’t no real woman gonna put up with that nonsense she always seems to bring.
Well I’ve read all the opinions here on thisc site and trying to improve the relationship to my son’s baby mother. Whom he lives with and with your help on respect of a woman being first in her husband life .I agree.a woman has that right and I’m dealing with a soon to be wife that hates me as my son’s mother and his family ,I’ve done all I feel I can. And he has another child by another woman who I now Shayne joint custody either my son .and this new woman he with and he has another child with my granddaughter. Well like I sat I’ve lether live in my home with her child I’ve given money for their own house and furniture and she has done somethingsthat I could of and should of called her out on but didn’t. Like the time her doctor turned her in to cps for drugs in her system. And then when she left state to different state got drunk anda pilled up passed out with the kids and my son came home and she was woke up were she called the police and a New cps case was open. And she wat him not to be around his family now .I guess so we won’t enterfier with her goood time and the kids were crying screaming when he came home and found it all .she mad with me and want me out of the picture. Now really am I a good mom to just step out and say nothing.
I’m not jealous vof my son having a wife or woman.I embrace it .But I am concerned if he just finding out she has a drug and alcohol problems and her doctors are calling cps cause she pregnant and I do have getting drunk ,drug,passing out, and that makes me a bad imposing jealouse person. If so well in going to be that sons mother who causes protect and if y’all have some good advice ply share it With me .be gentle.
And if we are already living God’s will then apply the bibal to it but don’t use God’s words on things to fight your battles if you’re not living his will.
I would say that in time you may derive some wisdom on this issue. All you have to do is speak to various men and find that they or their friends got married and all of a sudden they cut off their mother and/or their friends because the wife draws a line around her territory and want to control ever facet of her husbands life. My son and I had a wonderful relationship. Before he married his wife was all about being as sweet to me as she could. After marriage slowing the ‘this is our way’ or ‘we’ decided stuff came about in every area of their life. Now…please understand I am perfectly clear my son’s priority is his wife and family…I blessed him with that blessing on his wedding day….I never interfered nor did I discuss his marriage with him. But when his first child was born his wife would not let me even hold the baby…..she was OBSESSED with the baby….even more so than her husband.
There are a LOT of very insecure women out there who separate and divide families…..my son is a great guy…I raised him…I did good. He supports his wife. I get it…….but she uses it to disrespect me and I don’t appreciate it…..She’s a Christian…she knows she is to honor her father and her mother..honor is respect. It’s not all about a wife who in turn does not respect and honor the one who raised the man she loves. Godly WIFE and a GODLY mother will do the right thing…….
I am going through the same things and im about to just forget about it all. We are engaged and living together. I came from the big city to the little country town to be together at his request. I have no family here. Lets just say my family and his are cut from different cloth. He helps out his mom alot and she is church going. So at first he looked like the best son in the world to me. I began to realize that everything we did revolved around his mother. i.e. On father’s day morning while getting ready for church I mentioned to him that I wanted us to come home and just relax. I will make dinner for him and soend time together. So, While dropping his mom off, she offered us to come in so i said no thanks. He then looks at me and said oh, mother invited us to dinner today and I forgot to tell you. So like I always do I broke down and went in efforts not to disrespect his mom and for her not to feel bad.
So I tell him lets run home (5 mim away) and change into something comfortable. His mom yells out youll be fine. So looks at me and says mother says we are ok like we are. lets just go in and eat. This is not just every sunday. This is all holidays, and birthdays. I feel like I have had it. Please help.
I’m dealing with the whole family, I asked him why did he get married if he wanted to be stuck under his family so much , he is 47 yo and has no identity outside his family, I’m tired of basing our relationship on whatever is going on with his family, we are seperated now and of course he moved back in with his mom and she is loving it, I ask for advice to heal the hurt I have for wasting my time with a mommas boy it is one of the most dysfunctional relationships I’ve ever been in, I jus need strength and prayers to move on.
What to do when your husband’s father has passed away(who was taking care of mother w/ Alzheimer’s), & for over 4 months he’s alternating households? My husband is a part-time man going from one household with Alzheimer’s, one w/ epilepsy. Grieving w/ his mother I can understand only up to a point. He’s her man now. How to regain my husband of over sixteen years? Kerri
My husband treats his mother like a wife. They call each other like 15 times a day. He also has to lie to her about where we are. He goes to her house and gets drunk with her every weekend sometime dying the week. If he doesn’t answer her calls than she shows up at our door. I cant handle this. We have only been married 3 months. It freaks me out and I dont know what to do
The year is 2019. I am curious how this worked out for you. Let me guess, you are divorced. Please update. I too, am close to a divorce because hubby talks everything with his mother and sister and they are in our business too much.
i agree with holly if you are doing a right noa wife does not go this is not about girlfriends this is about spouses. and theres a difference between being close to your mom and chosing her over your spouse i do not agree with leann and personally she sounds like she hasnt been in the sitution
Coming from being the “mother in law” I just want to say that it is literally the hardest thing I have ever had to do . I agree with leave and cleave and have done my extreme best to do what I’m supposed to do. I have went over the top to step back and haven’t caused one bit of friction . I love his wife and am so happy for them. Even with all of that being said, it hurts very , very , deeply when you are left out of everything. I have never experienced such a heart ache as I have now, not even when I lost my dear Daddy. It’s hard for people to understand, until YOU are the mother of a son. You feel pushed away, forgotten about, etc… even when you truly are staying in your place . I don’t expect to be number one in his life anymore . That is one of the hardest things to do after 29 years. I would literally die for my son and unless you have experienced this kind of love , you can’t understand it. Everyone needs to try and realize how hard this is on our hearts . I stand here, a proud and happy mother in law, who honestly has never done or said one thing that I shouldn’t, don’t butt in, try and keep some sort of distant contact when appropriate, BUT your “son” does need to at least make you a small part of his life since he has been your whole world his whole life. When they just act like you no longer exist , can’t even make 2 minutes for you on the phone, and make no effort at all, it is the most hurtful feeling I’ve ever had. I don’t expect much at all, and have tried with all my heart to just be what I should be, but I just wanted to try and make some people understand how hard it is to suddenly be “nothing”…. so even those of us who are doing everything “right” still get nothing at all … the facts are that no matter what , if you are the “ parents of the son” , you will never be at the level of the “parents of the bride “…. it’s how it is and always has been . It hurts , and is life changing , no matter how hard you try to be perfect. I hope this will help some to realize how put in the cold we feel just completely overnight ! I don’t bother them any, at all…. I could make no contact for 2 straight months and that’s ok with him/her… it’s impossible to understand why …. we have and never have had any problems… not during him growing up , going to college, engaged , and married now … it just changes things no matter what and it’s a very , very , sad, lonely, feeling to stand here as someone who has loved this guy more than life for 29 years and they now could care less if they ever talk to you at all … signed, mother of the groom who has tried to do it all “right “ and still gets nothing..
@Pish I appreciate your comment soo much. I’ve been self-researching about this relationship dynamic (mother-son enmeshment/emotional incest) for YEARS. As I myself, am unfortunately in a current relationship with this dynamic. It really sucks to be with someone when your boyfriends mom is always needy and uses her son for her emotional needs. It’s SELFISH. For your case, it looks like you are accepting on what he has done “cut the line” and set healthy boundaries. Without this, your relationship with your son wouldn’t be healthy and it wouldn’t help him grow to be a man and be responsible for himself. And I respect you for that. That is part of life. You raise children and let them free to the world when it becomes to adulthood. You raise them so when they reach adulthood, they can take care of themselves. As a healthy adult perspective, you need help from other adults. Not your children. They shouldn’t be responsible for YOU. So parents who rely on their children for help (especially emotionally) enables them to continue their abuse (emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse) and it doesn’t help them grow into an adult, if not they have a hard time making decisions for themselves in the future. Usually this dynamic happens when a married couple (with children), lost their partner (divorced, deceased, etc.) and so that parent relies on the child to fill that void, that emptiness. That hurt. But the true healthy way is to get professional help from an adult. It’s easier to rely on your children because it’s free, they love you, it’s convenient. But parents don’t realize, that they have become so co-dependent on their children, that they don’t have a healthy relationship. Until, the child adult finally realizes themselves they need to set boundaries. So much to say on this topic, but I’m really glad you were willing to let go and see your son and his wife be happy in their relationship living their lives. Please be happy for them. If you are still hurting, it’s not because of your son or his wife. It’s because you’re still hurting from what happened before. The only person that can make you happy is yourself. The only person you can change is yourself. And that starts with self-love and self-respect. Get professional help. #mlft
Wow, this post was made in 2013 and is still very relevant. My husband will divorce me to do his mother’s wishes of she and her husband coming to live with him. I am completely against, but my husband chose his mother over his wife. She ruined our family and the beautiful home we had made for our 5 year old.
How should I feel that when I call my boyfriend of almost 4 years; hopefully future spouse. He doesn’t answer my call if he’s on the phone with his mother, but texts me saying that he’s on the phone with her. I think I at least deserve an answer, what if it’s an emergency. Am I overreacting or is this bad for our future? I have spoken to him about this and he doesn’t see an issue with it. I’m concerned that when we do get married she will still be a higher priority than me. Please give some insight. Thank you.
If it were to be his mother it would have been better but his sister constantly saying blood is thicker than water that she comes first in her brother’s life becos we stay in the family house and hubby don’t want to live, I feel I made a mistake marrying him