Finding the right person to build a life with isn’t always easy. Sure, some people luck out and meet the right person when they are young and without much drama, but for many, dating is stressful and choosing someone who’s a right fit is often hard.
And for women who feel like every time they give this love thing a try they seem to end up with a loser, dating can feel like a frustrating game they’ll never win. I was fortunate enough to meet my husband in college. We developed a friendship and later fell in love after we graduated. But I know it doesn’t work out like this for most people. For most, the struggle is real and finding a mate that treats you with the love and respect you deserve is hard.
When I talk to friends and family about relationships and finding “the one,” I notice that so many women settle for less than they deserve and they do it time and time again. At first I didn’t understand the behavior because it was clear to me that they deserved so much more. But then it clicked. I realized that they were attracting the wrong men because they weren’t dealing with other issues going on; issues that have nothing to do with the men they are dating.
So what should you do if you find yourself in the same bad relationship over and over again with a different man? You change yourself. Yep, I said it. Not because you are a problem and he’s not, but because you will never have the power to change another human being.
When you find yourself in bad situations time and time again and you are the common denominator, you have to focus on what’s going on with you and what can you do to turn things around.
Here are 3 things you can do if you feel like you keep attracting the wrong man.
Spend some time alone.
I know this probably sounds so cliché, but there is some serious truth to being still so you can figure things out. When you are not in a relationship, spend that time getting to know yourself instead of using it to search for your next partner. There is nothing wrong with being alone for a little bit.
Most people who can’t stand to be alone feel that way because they know that being alone forces them to deal with stuff they probably don’t want to deal with yet. Alone time doesn’t have to mean you are lonely. Use that time to connect with girlfriends, take a class, deepen your relationship with God, and figure out what you truly want from life. If you are able to truly do that, it will decrease the likelihood that you will settle for less than you deserve when the next guy comes along.
Stop ignoring red flags.
People always start off by claiming they didn’t see any red flags. but I find that the more you dig, the more you realize that they did see the red flags but they chose to ignore them. I get it. When you have feelings for someone and you have invested time and energy in being with that person, it’s easy to justify things they may say or do that just feel a bit off. But don’t ignore those gut feelings. When someone you’re dating gives you reason to pause, you should seriously pause. Take some time to think about what lies ahead if their behavior persists. I know we want to see the best in people, but when people show you the stuff that isn’t so good, you shouldn’t ignore it. Red flags are designed to help us know when to run the other way. Pay attention and run before things get out of hand.
Before you get mad because you think I’m suggesting that you have issues, let me explain. I am someone who honestly believes that almost everyone can benefit from a bit of therapy. If you have any unresolved issues, then a therapist is the best person to help bring those issues to light so you can work through them. If you don’t work through your stuff, it will just keep showing up in all of your relationships, and no one has time for that mess, right?
BMWK ladies, what can you do to stop the cycle of attracting the wrong man?