3. The warning signs were ignored.
If you smell smoke, look for the fire and take emergency action. We can’t afford to pretend as though an issue doesn’t exist. Sleeping in separate rooms, not communicating and not being intimate for weeks on end, are red hot signs something is seriously wrong. A marriage can’t live if the partners are dead toward one another. We can’t be afraid to lovingly acknowledge and discuss our issues as a couple. Asking our mates how we can be a better spouse, making sacrifices, and taking action are all necessary.
4. Forgiveness is nonexistent.
Humans make mistakes, continuously. Since we aren’t perfect, we tend to make lousy decisions. Deciding to forgive our spouse, yet reliving and reminding them of their mistakes constantly is counterproductive. Not only does it keep the negative memory fresh in your mind, it pushes your partner even further away.
Not many adults would choose to remain in a situation where they are regularly considered the villain. Forgiveness doesn’t erase the error, it simply proves the commitment was strong enough to survive. Having a very real dialogue based on what we know about our mate is helpful. Questions to ask include “would my spouse purposely hurt me” or “if they had that choice to make over again, would they make it again knowing what they know now”? If your answer is no, forgiveness may be easier. If your answer is yes, continue to look for understanding by asking why. We must determine what we need from our partner to put us on the road to forgiveness.
5. Irreconcilable differences.
When couples recognize their issues/differences and ultimately decide the marriage is no longer worth making any personal changes, they throw in the towel. I often wonder where these differences come from. Were they there and the couple chose to ignore them? Usually what we see is what we get, especially true for those who dated a while before marriage. Those bad habits don’t surface overnight. Being honest about what you can and cannot tolerate in your relationship has to be considered prior to saying “I do”. It’s naive to think we have the power to change someone else.
Marriages require our undivided attention. Relaxing in your marriage, ignoring our spouse’s needs and being selfish are relationship sins. We can, however, protect our marriages. Being aware and clear on what your relationship needs to thrive and being active in keeping your commitment are excellent tools to maintain a solid marriage.
BMWK, how are you protecting your marriage from divorce?
Anonymous says
Or, my man withholding sex for two months this summer because his son from a previous relationship was visiting, and if his son heard us, he wouldn’t know how to explain it, and didn’t want to hear from his ex, who couldn’t care less about what he thinks about anything. Yep, I stepped out, he neglected me to make himself feel better about a situation I had nothing to do with, in regards to his son’s broken home.
Anon says
You stepping out is not nor will it ever be justified. Y’all were both wrong and you’re obviously still hurt so in the end who really won in this situation?
Anonymous says
It still didn’t justify you stepping out. Y’all were both wrong and in the end who really won?
Anonymous says
My needs will be met. He would never allow me to deny him. My concerns fell on deaf ears. I don’t owe his kid, his does not run my home, or my bedroom. He is an inconvenience when he visits because my man “guilt parents.”
DrFR says
totally flabbergasted at the use of the word “inconvenience” for a child your beloved husband fathered. There certainly are better ways to deal with the situation other than walking out on your marriage because of sex- marriage is not all about sex, sex is a benefit that comes with holy matrimony. Perhaps when the situation is less hostile, you could make arrangements for sex while the child visits.
Anonymous says
Arrange? My house, not his. That boy has to adhere to our lives and rules, not the other way around. If his father would just tell him that our bedroom is kind of his business, instead of his son running our home, there would be no hostility.
Anonymous says
My wife want a divorce because she feels she is love with another man..an ex from her past she hasn’t dealt with in many years. She started having dreams and thoughts of him and I would have to say it’s been about 10 years or so(dreams and marriage) the dreams started about 2 to 3 years into the marriage and it happened once in a while. Just thinking about him then as of recently she said that she feels drawn to him and feeling like she suppose to be with him.
Iesha Johnson says
I’m divorcing my husband due to domestic violence and after asking him to get help for a year and him not taking the bull by the horn and getting help is enough! Our daughter doesn’t deserve to see nor hear his abuse on a daily basis ! My husband has allowed other women to consistently disrespect me by calling his phone all times of the night and he tries to hide everything from me! Enough is enough! I’ve tried, I’ve gone to counseling and he decides it’s not for him so I’m done! I will teach my daughter that abuse is not the way she is to be treated!
Anonymous says
Wow, yes you do not deserve to be subjected to abuse of any kind, i applaud your effort for atleast trying to make it work. This other situation of the wife stepping out is just plain old selfish & ignorance at it’s finest. Granted he needs to address the situation when his son comes to visit, but you the wife to step out on him goes deeper than just this issue with the son, you have issues with in yourself that you need to address instead of making excuses to find reasons to cheat in him.
Anonymous says
Excellent article by the way
sithandazile sibanda says
Marriage is sweetie sometimes but l dont know what’s going on sometimes .the painful thing is that so much is taken to please someone .
Anonymous says
My husband and I are beginning our third separation in just as many years. This time, I think it’s best if we divorce. It takes two to break a marriage. Therefore, it takes to to heal a marriage. My husband expected me to heal the marriage on my own. I was supposed to heal from the adultery and all the pain he caused me during our last separtion, on my own. I was supposed to rebuild my trust in him, on my own. He stated that he would begin doing the work on himself after I’ve completed the work on myself. Any argument, divorce and walking out, was mentioned. Well, the last time these things were mentioned, I decided to ask him to leave. I cannot do marriage alone nor live in constant fear that my husband will leave me and our daughter. Enough is enough.
Anonymous says
Five years ago my husband cheated on me and his mistress had twins. We are currently still together, but lately I just feel completely over it. When I first found out I was so hurt and confused that I just forced myself to get over it, but now I realize that I never truly forgave him and to him it’s seems as though I’m just holding this grudge, because in his eyes he’s forgiven.I don’t want to suggest divorce but I’m not sure what’s left in me.
-So Confused-
Anonymous says
I can understand that, it definitely takes two to make a marriage work. Especially after adultery, its hard enuff trying to fight thru everyday in a marriage but to add lost trust on top of it because of adultery only makes matters 100x’s harder & the fight to succeed that much harder, i’ve been there as my wife choose to downgrade & commit adultery with someone because of her selfishness. Grass always seems greener on the other side until your caught, than it becomes clear that its just the cheater being greedy & selfish willing to mess up a home or homes because they are in a fairy tale.
Anonymous says
Your confused..you state that it’s your home than you say “instead of his son running our home” again your confused! but in marriage a home belongs to both of you! It’s a bit unfair to cheat over that. My husband moved into the home that I bought before marrying him. It was in a better location than his home (we both agreed) BUT it’s still his home too. I’m sorry you had to go two months without sex from your husband that unfair too! He could have been creative in that department; hire babysitter,or ask a friend/family to sit while you have romanitic day!! because I know we women have needs too. But you guys should have figured out something to before cheating!!
Anonymous says
Yes, domestic abuse is a solid reason, especially when your spouse doesn’t feel like they need help. Sending prayers your way.
Tiya says
So Confused, Is there anything he can do to help you forgive?
Anonymous says
Tiya, I’m not sure. When I first found out I wanted answers, I wanted to know where, how many times, details that he refused to give me. I’m over the fact that the children are here, I more hurt at the fact that he gave all of himself to someone else. This man is the only man I’ve ever been with in my 31 years. I pride myself on the fact that my husband is the only man I’ve been intimate with and I just feel betrayed.
Anonymous says
Tiya, I’m not sure. When I first found out I wanted answers, I wanted to know where, how many times, details that he refused to give me. I’m over the fact that the children are here, I more hurt at the fact that he gave all of himself to someone else. This man is the only man I’ve ever been with in my 31 years. I pride myself on the fact that my husband is the only man I’ve been intimate with and I just feel betrayed.
confused says
My husband had an emotional relationship with someone. And I found out about. He was so in tuned about it. He could not give me the why until 3 yrs layer I admitted I wasn’t over it n explained how I felt n that he had cheated on me. He didn’t c it that way. I felt as if what he was not getting something from me and loved getting it somewhere else. It still hurts today but I do not bring it up because I forgave him. I cannot discuss my feelings about it still can I?
Anonymous says
Hello Confused, meet So Confused.. Lol
We have the same question and I have yet to find answer. The more I think about my situation I realize my husband didn’t cheat on me he had an affair, he was working in a different town, he stayed there while he was working and came home when he was off.. totally living a double and probably never thought it would go as far as it did and DEFINITELY didn’t expect to be caught. I try not to talk about it because I get so angry and I feel as thought I’m taking a step backwards due to the fact I never allowed my self to heal, I just bandaged myself up and accepted what was.
Tiya says
Of course, I think anyone in that situation would feel the same betrayal. Infidelity hurts. I think what hurts most is what we do with those feelings. We internalize them and make our partners error about us, and we blame ourselves. I understand that. I just wanted you to think about if there was anything (it could be outrageous, or not make any sense to him at all), but is there anything that he could do to help in the healing process? If there isn’t anything that he could do at all, like nothing would help at all, that is a definite sign as well. If you make a decision to stay, you should absolute seek solutions and be specific about what you need to move forward.
Linda says
Out of all the comments that I’ve read not one said anything about seeking the healer of broken marriages and that’s The Lord! Or seeking professional counseling which is truly needed when there’s infidelity in a marriage it’s just a symptom of a greater issue prayer & counseling will help you get to the root of the real problem. So if you want to save your relationship seek help that is my advice I hope this helps.
Anonymous says
Out of all the comments I have read, I did not hear anyone talk about God and praying, nor was church involved. I didn’t read about forgiveness and working on self, regardless of your spouse. We must learn to forgive in order to move on. It doesn’t matter who was at fault, learn to open up your heart and Forgive…If you truly love Yourself, then you would love others, because God Is Love. We have to stop being selfish and worrying about our own feelings, it’s not about Self…Ask God to work on Self, and IF you truly want your marriage to work, regardless of who did or didn’t do what, who said or didn’t say what, God will do just what He said He would do. Let “us” stop making plans and allow God to make the plans for us…Focus on the bigger picture and being blessed because you did what was right, regardless of what your spouse did or didn’t do…Live a clean life, marriage. Make God proud and the devil a liar. The devil loves to break up marriages and homes. I pray for everyone who has posted a comment and ask God to heal what ever needs to be healed, whether physically, mentally or spiritually…In Jesus Name. Amen…I love you all…
Lisa Young says
Oh by the way, my name is Lisa, I wrote the last comment, and I have been just where some of you have been…similar, but not mischievous…Also, I am not saying seeking a paid counselor is a bad thing, but I know who I serve and I know how powerful prayer is…God’s Word is True and I depend on Him for my answers, guidance. He Will Open Doors No Man Can Shut and Shut Doors No Man Can Open….Be encourage everyone!
Anonymous says
With all due respect, although I understand your struggle during the summer, the justification of your selfish act is almost repulsive.
Anonymous says
robinsonbuckler @ yahoo. com did a love spell for me about 3 days ago and the results came out miraculous!