When we enter relationships, we all have our own personal deal breakers. And it makes sense, really, because we all have different needs and expectations. Some of us want children…while others don’t; Some insist on living in the city…while others refuse.
I know having children was a deal breaker for me. I would not have been able to marry a man who didn’t want kids. Even if I was unable to give birth to children, I knew I would adopt. So if a man didn’t want kids at all, he could keep it moving. I was not the girl for him.
Despite our individual (and very personal) deal breakers, I often wonder if some deal breakers are universal. Are there some things that no one should ever accept in a relationship?
I think so.
I think despite our individual differences, there are some things that should always be deal breakers. And what does that mean? It means that if you are dating a man or women who does these things, you should run in the other direction because you deserve better.
If you are dating a man or women who does these things, you should run in the other direction because you deserve better.
So what are some of these universal deal breakers? Here goes…
Physical or Verbal Abuse
I am not suggesting that all people who abuse their partners are horrible people. I don’t think that’s fair. But I am suggesting that they need help and it’s not your job to help them. People who are abusive have a lot to work through and there is never a reason why you should serve as a punching bag while they work through that stuff. If someone is hurting you –physically or verbally—and placing you in danger, you have to walk away. And I know that walking away is never easy. I know a number of women I love who struggle with doing just that. If you want to leave an abusive relationship and you need help, contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
I think a person can mess up, cheat once, and make things right. But I think that person is very different from the one who cheats on you consistently. You deserve better. When someone you love chooses to step out on you time and time again, don’t hold on to some false hope that he or she will change. It won’t happen and if it does, it won’t be for you; it will be because he or she has grown tired of living that way. Set high expectations and tell people who can’t meet them that hey have no place in your life.
Lack of Respect
If your man or lady doesn’t respect you now, a ring won’t change anything. The way someone treats you says a lot about how much that person values you. Someone who doesn’t respect you as a person isn’t worthy of a major role in your life. Respect is the cornerstone of all happy relationships—romantic or otherwise. If you are not being respected in your current relationship, you have to believe that somewhere out there is a mate who will give you the respect you deserve.
Controlling behavior is not a normal or healthy sign of love and affection. There is no reason for anyone to track where you are and what you are doing every minute of the day. Someone women view this behavior as endearing at first, only to realize later on that it’s not. If you are with someone who wants to control you in various ways, it should be a deal breaker. Not to mention, control often leads to verbal or physical abuse and you don’t want to stick around and wait for that to happen.
I firmly believe there is hope for anyone with a substance abuse problem. I also believe in supporting people I care about from a distance. When someone is battling with substance abuse, they are in no space—mentally or emotionally—for that person to be involved in an intimate relationship. They just don’t have the capacity for it. If you start dating someone and soon realize that he or she has a substance abuse problem, you should stay clear of developing an intimate relationship. You can offer your support and friendship, but anything more won’t serve either of you well.
BMWK family, what do you think should be universal deal breakers?