One of my biggest beliefs is that people come (and stay) where needs are being met. I also believe that a lot of marriage and families are falling apart because needs aren't being met. One day my business partner (Dr. Roz who I do relationship coaching with) broke down what she feels are the top 5 needs for a wife. (listed below) So in response, I came up with this piece which … [Read more...]
A Surefire Way to Finding the Mate You Want
A lot of my single peoples ask me, "how do I find a good man" or "how do I find a good woman"? And my answer is always the same "boring" answer of "pray on it". I call that the boring answer because people want me to give them a sure shot recipe like: "catch the 6 bus to Broad and Olney, then get on the 1st car of the express train going to City Hall and the dude sitting 3 … [Read more...]
I Did It My Way: How to Compromise in Your Marriage
Sometimes marriage reminds me of being a kid. It's literally like you've gotta get permission for almost everything you do. I can remember being a kid trying to convince my moms to buy me a pair of Jordans for $140 (which in '88 was BANANAS for a pair of sneakers.) And now, I find myself doing the same as an adult! Whether it's still a pair of Jordans some 22 years later or a … [Read more...]
When It Comes to Our Spouses, Why is Forgiveness So Hard
"Ain't asking for forgiveness for my sins..." - Jay Z I wonder, how many of us are asking for forgiveness from our sins? Not only asking for forgiveness from God for things we've done, but asking for forgiveness from our spouses if we've wronged them. Webster defines forgiveness as "to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt." Did ya'll … [Read more...]
Our Marriages Need a “Village” to Help Them Succeed
I've been to my fair share of weddings throughout the past 10 years. Some are still around and some have an ended. But one thing that I've heard at many of these weddings is the pastor telling the audience that he's charging them with "investing" in this marriage to help it last. But I don't think a lot people realize that a marriage is sometimes another entity from the two … [Read more...]
Does the Media Give You a False Perception of Marriage?
My favorite comedian is Chris Rock. I think the way he's able to talk about reality and make it funny is amazing. I always joke that Chris gives the best marriage advice through his comedy specials and his movie "I Think I Love My Wife" but we're so busy laughing nobody's listening. One of my fav routines Chris does is when he's talking about the media and how black folk blame … [Read more...]
Clean Up What’s Inside of You, Before You Mess Up Your Marriage
"The things we buy to cover up what's inside." - Kanye West" When Tee and I first got engaged she set out on a mission to clean up her credit. I was like "who cares about your credit?!?!" Now, years later I can understand why she was doing it, but at that time, the LAST thing on my mind was her credit. But her thing was, she didn't want to come into this marriage with her … [Read more...]
Sacrificing for My Wife; Learning to be Selfless in My Marriage
This weekend my wife Tanya told me she was taking Naomi to downtown Silver Spring to help support one of her homegirls who was selling jewelry which was great for me cause I can ALWAYS use a break for some me time! They left around 11am and after a wonderful quiet day of playing PS3, making beats and watching some of Season 4 of the Wire...I looked up and saw that it was 7pm! I … [Read more...]
You Love Your Spouse, But Do You Still Like Your Spouse?
One day, my wife Tanya asked me "do you still love me?" And I replied, "of course I love you. You're my wife, the mother of my daughter, we've been married 12+ years...yes, of course I love you. Now the question you need to be asking me is "do I like you?" It's funny how relationships come 360 degrees huh? Wasn't it back in kindergarten and first grade when you were asking … [Read more...]
No Renegotiation; The Difficulties of Dealing with Change in Your Marriage
One of my fav lines from New Jack City is when Nino is telling Frankie "no renegotiation." I never knew why out of all the great quotes in that movie, that one stuck with me all of these years. But I'm realizing this quote is how most folk feel in their marriages. When we get married to someone, we want that person to stay the exact same way they were when we married them. … [Read more...]
Be a Father to Your Child; 6 Things You Need to Know
When I first started my job working with teens in the Wellington Park section of SE Washington D.C., I had the bright idea that one of my first assignments for them to do was to complete a family tree. Welp…that idea blew up in my face when the majority of them started saying stuff to me like “I don’t know my dad” or “I never met his side of the family! Mr. Kil, how you gonna … [Read more...]
Why Is It So Hard to Say I’m Sorry?
Why is it so hard to say I’m sorry. And I’m not talking about a fake I’m sorry just to shut the person up. But, a true to life, I’m actually really sorry. One Valentine’s Day, my wife and I got into this HUGE argument at The Cheesecake Factory about my spending habits and I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt I was right…that is until I got home and checked the checkbook and I … [Read more...]