There are some who struggle with the idea of being wrong or having to apologize. There are others who are stubborn as mules and will stand firm in their belief whether it’s right or wrong. Even in a committed partnership, with the person they love, some people are simply not willing to “give in”. They will stand their ground and fight, even when the fight isn’t justified or makes no sense to prolong.
When I reference “give in,” I don’t suggest admitting you’re wrong even when you aren’t, or keeping quiet about how you feel and not speaking up. In this context, it means being the first one willing to end a conflict on a positive note. That might include accepting responsibility for your actions and apologizing for them. Acknowledging what you personally could have done better, regardless if your spouse does or not, is also part of giving in. It’s also about not waiting on your spouse to improve the situation when you also have the power to do so. Some may question how this benefits their relationship, but trust me it does significantly contribute to parts of your relationship success.
There are certain truths about “giving in” which most couples fail to realize. The reality in giving in, contrary to popular belief, is you won’t lose anything. Saving face isn’t worth it, if it jeopardizes your relationship. What is so great about being right, if it causes you and your spouse not to be on speaking terms? You haven’t won if your relationship suffers the loss.
Another benefit is maintaining peace in your relationship. What are you willing to sacrifice to have long lasting harmony in your marriage? Who doesn’t look forward to returning to a home where two adults dwell, who know how to communicate effectively and where drama and confusion are minimal.
An additional advantage would be that this action could possibly steer the relationship in the right direction. When we take the focus off of what our spouse is or isn’t doing and continue to do what we know is right, we are actually setting a standard for our relationship; and spouses generally follow the lead.
Once we remove the negative connotation that comes along with “giving in” more couples will appreciate the value it brings to a marriage. The next time you find yourself in a challenging situation with your spouse, be the first to take the lead in turning it around and witness the overall affect it has on your relationship.
BMWK, what are your thoughts on “giving in”? Are you willing to “give in” for the sake of the relationship?
Check out our movie Still Standing where couple, Kris and Akilah Richards, shared with us that they saved their relationship by focusing on solving their issues rather than proving who was right or wrong.
Niambi says
It takes humility and grace to give in but it is well worth it in the end.
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter says
I agree!
zelda says
I just read this, so true. People dont want to talk about it. I am learning that being right isnt always good. sometimes its best to humble yourself. we always have to prove it, why do we bring that home with our spouse, when its enough to have to deal with on our jobs. WHEW!!!
Ronnie Tyler says
You said it Zelda! We do enough fighting out in the world…it makes not sense to fight each other at home.
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter says
Amen!
cory boykin says
We have to learn to put our pride to the side and focus on whats best for the relationship rather than dwelling on who was wrong. We need solutions not problems on top of problems….
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter says
Absolutely! Well said.
John says
But both must be willing to back down. We learn to deal with issues rather than blame and we still blame.
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter says
We do still blame, unfortunately. Both people have to look at their role in the situation avid take ownership. We are only responsible for our half of the relationship.
Jada - Kay says
What happens if your the one who is giving in all the time?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter says
Jada,
That keyword was “sometimes” you will have to give in. One person shouldn’t always be the one giving in. Having a true heart to heart with your spouse, not a blaming conversation, but one where you express your needs is helpful. Starting with phrases like “I love when we are able to discuss our disagreements as adults and we both compromise or create a solution together” or “you make me feel appreciated when you initiate a solution to our challenge” both are positive ways to open up dialogue.
Tulessa says
This definitely takes practice but more importantly patient when your spouse constantly blames and guilts you as well as speaks to you as if you have a student/teacher relationship. He says that I do not respect him, that I am aggressive and have to stand toe to toe with him, and that I want to be the man in the relationship. I know that I at times think my way is the best way but I always apologize. We cannot communicate without him saying something condescending or degrading when he is mad. He says what he does is just a reaction to my actions and I do not love him. I am tired and to the point of walking away because I have a hard time respecting someone that consantly says “you know how much marriage means to me” and “I want to do things the Godly way” yet he is not fulfilling his role as a husband the way that God commands. This is a repeative cycle and I am ready to walk away because he fails to see his wrong. To me, you cannot apologize yet justify your actions.
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter says
Tulessa,
I do understand your frustration. It seems like you both are going around in circles. It also doesn’t sound like either of you have a clear understanding of each others needs. If you two were to write a description of who the other one is , (likes, dislikes, values, needs), and compare and discuss, how accurate do you think you would be? Before you decide to walk away, have you two looked into couple’s therapy or coaching or attended a couple’s retreat, which focuses on communication?
ttjam says
I am working on this everyday, thaankfully my soon-to-be husband misnaming great leader and provides angreat example for me to follow. Its take a strong person to know when to “ok, what is that I can do to make this better?”
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter says
Oh yes it does, a very strong person!
Lurker and Reader says
Intersting enough, I feel like I give in too much. To the point where he always thinks he’s right about everything – I’ve been feeling like lately, all I’m doing is sacrificing my opinions, my real thoughts, just so that we don’t fight.
Well I’m tired of that – I feel like I’m not being myself. We’ve had at least one knock down, blow out fight this summer and it really weighed heavily on me. It made me look at my husband differently, i.e., he’s not very empathetic, he’s not very sympathetic, he’s a tad selfish and he’s paranoid. I’m still working out how this is affecting my marriage – we’ve moved on and made up. But the things I feel I learned about him, didn’t make me feel more secure or closer. It actually disgusted me a little.. How I’m dealing with that. We’ll find out.
Just saying – everything is not peaches and cream and sometimes I feel like its gets a little preachy sometimes. Just giving a different point of view
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter says
Thanks for your honest comment. Don’t mean to be preachy, but I do mean to be relationship coachy.
sharon says
I don’t like giving in when I know I am right and the persons wrong but I have been noticed that when I just apoligize for my part in the argument the other person is feeling ten times as guilty. I realized or tell myself I won because it hurts to apoligize for something you know you didn’t do. and they eventually come to you and say “is there something I did or would you like to talk about it. so I agree with you on this topic not every argument should be a win loose battle just be sible
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter says
No, it’s very hard to do when you’re right. I agree.
nylse says
i didnt say it quite as you said it, but its in a similar vein – https://lifeofabrother-nylse.blogspot.com/2012/01/marriage-silly-season.html
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter says
Loved your article!
Justina says
It’s actually a cool and helpful piece of information. I’m satisfied that
you just shared this useful information with us. Please stay us up to date like
this. Thanks for sharing.